January 1st the  A Year to Live experiment officially began. What a wonderful start to a year. Waking a little groggy from activities the night before, my husband and I did our usual morning walk along the ocean with our dog. The sky was bright, the air warm, and the ocean calm as a lone dolphin swam along the shore. None of this is uncommon, and I never take it for granted. I live with a deep sense of gratitude for all that surrounds me. Often Mark and I will say to each other, "Can you believe we live here?"

This day I had a whole new appreciation for it. It came into focus in a new way. Everything felt crisper, brighter, and yet softer. It was as if all of this, the earth, sky, ocean, each other, and life itself are all for my appreciation, my enjoyment. I felt love for everything I could see, hear and feel. I am reminded of the quote by Marcel Proust, "The real voyage of discovery is not in seeking new lands, but in seeing with new eyes."

Speaking of LOVE, I've spent the weeks leading up to this day allowing feelings to flow through me as I think about having A Year to Live. Preparing for this year I've been thinking about the past and present. The love I feel for my family and friends could split me in half. I'm overcome with gratitude for all the experiences I've had  - the joys, sorrows, laughs and challenges. I feel I've lived one of the most privileged lives I could imagine. Reviewing my life and the love I've experienced I feel incredibly full, satisfied, content. I could die without regret.  It may seem that I'm living in deep denial of death, but when I've faced death before  I was deeply grateful for my life and ready to go.

Then on the first day of this experiment things changed. Our dog walk lead to breakfast on the patio at La Grande Orange. While eating, Mark and I talked about the year ahead. It was the first time I'd really thought about my feelings in the future. The tears came. I was touched by a very tender sadness, imagining how it would be to say goodbye to Mark. But beneath the sadness was love. I was sad because I love him so much and saying goodbye would be painful a year from now. Goodbyes to all of my community would be sad because I feel so much love from them and for them. Deep love that will live on longer than me.

Life is just suppose to make you feel.

 "I don't believe that life is supposed to make you feel good, or make you feel miserable either. Life is just supposed to make you feel." - Gloria Naylor

As I showered yesterday I really enjoyed the feeling of the lather gliding over my body. It was a moment of simple pleasure. As I sat down to breakfast I purposely slowed myself down to really taste what I was eating. I loved hot buttery cereal warming the inside of my mouth and the way the banana melted against my palate. Feeling all of life has become important to me.

I was a pretty tough kid. My mom was shocked (perhaps horrified) that I would watch a sad made-for-tv movie without shedding a tear, while she would be a blubbering mess on the couch next to me. I'm not sure where I got the idea that expressing my feelings was a bad thing, but somewhere along the way I decided to stuff it all down. I did a good job. I kept my excitement to a minimum and few people ever knew when I was sad or hurting. Even my closest friends would tell me I was hard to get to know. I was a great listener and sympathetic friend but rarely opened up about my own feelings.

I believe this comes from a deep fear of being vulnerable. I've lived believing that life is hard. Because I've believed life is hard, I've believed I have to be tough. To be tough I've hidden anything that would make me vulnerable. Feelings are at the top of the list. 

I've spent the last decade learning how to feel my feelings. It may seem ridiculous that I have to learn what comes naturally, but this habit is so deeply ingrained in my behavior that I am often not sure what I am feeling. At 45 I am amazed and delighted to be feeling emotions that have eluded me for most of my life.

I had a new discovery just last week. I really miss my family! When I was 27 I moved thousands of miles away from home for my work. Since then I've always lived at least a 4 hour plane ride away, some times further. I've just booked a trip back to Toronto. As soon as the tickets were purchased I was overwhelmed by the feelings of missing my family. It shocked me that I should have all these feelings of sadness when I'm planning to see them in a few weeks. Then it dawned on me. I don't let myself miss my family until I know I'll be seeing them soon. It's more "manageable" to feel all my sadness and pain of separation when I know it will be only for a short time. It got me wondering... how much energy do I use pushing down these feelings of sadness? Pushing them down so deep that I am completely unaware of them most of the time.  I haven't been holding my feelings in because I am not feeling anything, but rather because I feel things so deeply I have been afraid of all that's inside me.

 I have learned over the years that when I really let myself feel something, express it and let it take me over, it quickly subsides. I feel more energetic and peaceful afterwards. It's refreshing to really feel things - even the crappy feelings - like rage, jealousy, fear. Really feeling them, embracing them and expressing them, helps me integrate them naturally as a part of who I am.

Even though I know this to be true through my own experience, I am constantly amazed to discover how often I am unconsciously using my life force to stifle my feelings; my pain, my joy, my love.  All these years I was trying to be tough, when what I really wanted to be was strong. And it takes a great deal of strength to really feel all there is inside me to feel. Strong people are willing to be vulnerable. There is a wholeness and a richness to life that can only be experienced when we are vulnerable.

Perhaps Gloria Naylor is correct, "Life is just suppose to make you feel". If that is true I have been missing the point for most of my life. But my life is not over yet, and this journey I began 10 years ago continues to lead me into exciting, painful, wonderful experiences. And I'm so thrilled to feel it all.