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Tuesday, January 5, 2010

What is the RIGHT way to live?

After offering this experiment of A Year To Live to others I started feeling fearful about leading a group of people through this deeply personal process. As I sat with the fear I realized that I was holding onto an outdated image of leadership. One that didn't resonate with me. My intention with this experiment was initially to do it for myself, and then offer others the opportunity to live it for themselves. I offered to share things  with the group as they unfold for me and give suggestions, ideas, and resources that may inspire them. It felt important not to be directive as I couldn't possibly know what is appropriate for each person. I've never even met many of them.

After my first email of the year I started hearing from participants. Then of course it happened. Amongst the many that were telling me about their feelings, their plans, and their expectations there were a few that said, "Aren't you going to tell me what to do?", "Am I missing something? Where are the instructions for how to begin?" My initial response, which is the way I've responded to many situations throughout my life, was "I'm not doing it right."

It was a wonderful gift to see that old pattern creep in so soon in the experiment. The part of me that feels I can't do things right. I started wondering how often I've held myself back from doing things for fear I won't get it right. I remembered times when that fear stopped me from taking improv classes or dance classes. So sure I wouldn't be able to do it right. I also remembered times when it blocked my career. My friend Nancy showed me many years ago that I was approaching business opportunities offered to me with, "I wouldn't do it right". I had a belief that there was a "right" way to do things and that someone else knew this "right" way. Not me. I repeated this pattern over and over again, passing up opportunities, sure that I wouldn't get it right. Then Nancy guided me through that stuck place in a really graceful way. She said, "We know you don't know what to do, but if you were advising someone else on what to do in this situation, what would you say?"

Taking myself out of the picture was a great idea. I tapped into my intuition and suddenly "knew" what to do. Not because I had any more knowledge. I didn't. Perhaps I was bypassing knowledge and tapping into wisdom. That "knowing" we can all access when we stop thinking so much. Whenever I trust my intuition, tapping into that universal wisdom, things work out well. Unfortunately, regardless of the amazing experiences I've had from following my intuition I still override it regularly with thinking. Don't get me wrong, thinking is useful, and I'm grateful I have a functioning brain. But thinking is overused and there are many times when NOT THINKING is the answer.

I also remembered, with great compassion, the participants who contacted me before A Year To Live began and told me they feared they would not get it right. Mellissa Rudder wrote a thoughtful and eloquent piece about this in her blog. I encourage you to read it.

But before remembering that this pattern has been with me for so long, before remembering that I know to tap into my intuition which always gets it right, before remembering the participants who had this same fear, I had my patterned second response which is, "I'll change the way I'm doing it, because their way is the right way."  Thoughts kept swirling through my head, making me feel embarrassed, ashamed and not good enough. It didn't last long. I caught it quickly, that familiar old patterned. All I had to do was stop and breathe. As I breathed in I calmed down. As I breathed out I released fear and shame. I was quickly reminded of my intention in doing this. I once again felt that my intuition to provide suggestions but not directions was the right one. At least right for me, right now. 

Then a few days later I got a most powerful email from a participant. She began with "How does this work? Am I missing something? Should I be blogging? Creating a vision board?" By the fifth line she wrote, "If this were my last year to live I would structure it". Her email then turned into a dialogue she had with herself, in which she discovered what mattered to her most, she surprised herself with some of the things she wanted to accomplish because they didn't make logical sense. She got clear on how she wanted to be. She determined five things she wanted to accomplish in the year, and even prioritized her top two. In the end, all she needed from me was information about how to access the forum so she could share her experience and hear from others.

I'm so grateful for every single person who has asked me for more direction, and especially to this person who showed me that it's not needed. And I'm grateful for my pattern of thinking I'll get it wrong, as it continues to lead me to my intuition rather than logic.

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4 Comments:

At January 5, 2010 1:13 PM , Anonymous stacey grieve said...

It's always interesting to see how others view us versus our view of ourselves. Deb, I've known you for more than half our lives (eek!) and my experience of you is that you always seems to know (or find) the right/best/most effective/authentic ways to do anything!

And certainly, as a friend, when I've asked your advice, you also seem to know the right/best etc way for me to do something! LOL

It's great you recognize "the monkeys in your head" when they start piping up with their ridiculous mantra of "you won't do it right" and you ignore them. Now with only "a year to live", can you shut them up altogether by replacing them with "I am a strong and capable woman with great intuition"? That would be a much more empowering "tape" to listen to for your last 361 days, dontcha think?

Love ya!

 
At January 5, 2010 8:49 PM , Anonymous Teri Jo said...

Ha ha ha YAY Deb... in reading this post and reflecting on the email I sent you yesterday about how to do this, what is the right way, etc. I NOW clearly see this reflects a pattern in me of thinking someone else (the teacher, preacher, guru, leader, director, anyone "higher" than me) knows better than I do. In this pattern is where I completely release personal responsibility (clever no?).

It was funny as I wrote to you pleading for guidance and direction, I also had the sensation that you would NOT tell me what to do (I love this about you). This knowledge may be what forced a higher part in me to step forward and write the second part of the email - a sort of "Well - if you did know how to do this what would you do?" place inside.

I know this higher part of me well. It is a part I have been neglecting lately so it was truly wonderful to reconnect with my Self again via that email. I am so grateful. I am going to do a writing session now... from the part in me that has questions/doubts to the part in me that has answers/deep knowing. Brilliance always shines through when I take the time and PRESENCE to do this process with myself.
Yippee Thanks!
Teri Jo

 
At January 5, 2010 9:11 PM , Blogger Bcelebrated said...

Brava Teri Jo! you and your higher self are both amazing.

Stacey, thanks for the mantra. I'll use it as I also accept the part of me that doubts. Both are valuable. Your encouragement is great.

 
At January 12, 2010 8:23 AM , Anonymous Vera said...

2009 was a difficult year. A time of feeling sorry for myself. The best of times and the worst of times. Loved ones left me but their passing also gave me a deep appreciation and gratitude for the people in my life. The concept of cutting everyone, including myself, a little slack has taken hold. The worst times and the best. A silver lining. An enormous gift.

Throughout the year, as yet another thing happened, I often thought "once this is over I am going to do this and this and this". Then something else would happen. But the realization also hit that it could have been any year. This a set pattern. Think, a lot. Don't do. Feel bad. Start again.

The idea of the last year of my life happening RIGHT NOW brought forth emotions that were very close to the surface. Crippling sadness that I am not going to see my kids grow to adulthood, never dance at their weddings, never see my first grandchild, not grow into a funky really old lady with Andy by my side. Fear of the unknown. Fear of death. Revisitng my ultra shaky spiritual belief system that I had thought was a great deal stronger. The worst again.

Certain other thoughts have also squeezed through. Excitement of taking on things ... and damn the consequences. Planning trips and events, just because. Realizing that when I pay attention - I am so happy. A glimmer of light and hope that the best is yet to come.

This is going to be good.

 

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